There's only so many times you can go to Singapore Zoo. Its a great zoo, don't get me wrong, but I couldn't go for a fourth time in as many years. So, with little else to do, I decided to go on a day's pampering, road testing what a young man can get done for a reasonable price. None of the following has been elaborated for yarn-spinning purpose...
Pamper description: Full massage
Duration: 60 minutes
There's no doubting this was to be the highlight of the day. In at 10, changed in to the robes and on to the bed. Whale music blaring, and a small mug of too-fruity tea, and down, headfirst, on to the operating table. The disappointment was there was no walk on me and Kung-Fu kick the spine behaviour, but it was a good top to toe treatment. So good I fell asleep twenty minutes from the end, and woke up in a dark room dreading the worst. And before you ask, they're all good catholic girls in Singapore.
Likelihood for repeat performance: 9/10
Pamper description: Manicure/Pedicure
Duration: 45 minutes
Upstairs and in to a room that looked like a scene from the First Wives Club. In the middle of two dears getting their nails dried, I sat down and was double teamed by Sheena and Betty. Now I was a little uncomfortable with the nails, all I wanted was a clipping. They get some sort of gel and rub it in, before getting the file out and curving round the edges. Too far towards drag queen preparation for my liking. The feet on the other hand, awesome. Rub them down with salt then get the blowtorch out and trim them down to a length acceptable by the World Health Organisation. I would recommend thoroughly to any man who can't take his shoes off when visiting friends, for fear of not being invited back.
Likelihood for repeat performance: 0/10 (fingers), 10/10 (toes)
Pamper description: Haircut
Duration: 30 minutes
Not strictly pampering, but since I only get me Barnett trimmed thrice annually, it qualifies. We went through a number of draft versions, and for a long time I was toying with telling the hairdresser (qualification unlikely), to call it off, get the clippers out and go all over. Still we got there in the end, the shampoo was good to fair, and the head massage firm to soft.
Likelihood for repeat performance: 10/10 (grudgingly)
Pamper description: Old school shave
Duration: 15 minutes
The first time I worked in London, I went to an old-school barber off Cheapside and got one of those shaves where they just use a big knife and a dab of foam. This time they exuded less confidence, and took more than one close look at their liability insurance. Still the results are unquestionably better than than that of a fusion. Although the warm towel they put over the foam prior to the shave makes it a little like facial herpes are appearing in real time on your spade.
Likelihood for repeat performance: 8/10
Pamper description: Ear de-grot
Duration: 20 minutes
Almost as indulgent as a manicure, I asked the barber kindly to tack an ear inspection on to the end of the trim. Out comes a huge bedside lamp, a large wad of cotton wool, and a thin stick. The sensation's a little like a perfect shit. A little too enjoyable at first, and increasingly frustrating the longer it goes on. Kept the wax, and used to gel the newly styled mop on the way out.
And now I'm off for a colonic. Check back soon for a write-up and some photos.